November 8, 2009

So, upon some inspiration from a good friend and recent events, I have decided it's time I fed the world another spoonful of my brain. I of course speak in metaphor, this is not a tribute to Anthony Hopkins' famous psychotic screen creation.
For that matter, when I talk about inspiration from 'recent' events, I actually mean the events of the past few months. It's been stupidly long since I posted, so not much of this will come as 'recent', but I'm hopeful it will feed your thoughts and desire to be entertained sufficiently.

"What's been happening, Matt? I've been sat here stewing in the same pair of knickers for months waiting for you to post a new blog!" I can see these cries being let out from the desks of my millions of followers worldwide. I promise to make it up to you in the form of more writing in future (especially as I'm now only occupied a few days a week and don't have the subconscious nagging of a scholarly dissertation demanding to be written (it's time to go anecdotal)).

Why am I only occupied a few days a week? Well, I made a mistake. Yes, it's true, a head as big as mine just admitted to making a mistake. As much as I enjoy the beautiful surroundings atop Lincoln's famous steep hill, or it's sparkling swan-topped Brayford Pool, or it's high concentration of watering holes- nothing actually happens here for the ambitious graduate. Rather naively, I assumed success and happiness could be found in the same city that had provided such gold to me in the past three years. Unfortunately, however, happiness often depends on context. What do I mean? Lincoln- it's nice. It's a great place to be a student. It's a great place to befriend students and live the life of a student- but I must sadly now dissaociate myself from this, and, as a first time outsider, I am increasingly finding myself trapped in a city where NOTHING HAPPENS! 'The village of Lincoln' is a much more apt description when we see beyond the guise of 'cathedral'. It took me four hours to get to Birmingham- a city classed also as 'midlands', and a search on the biblical website prospects.ac.uk will reveal very little employment offerings in the surrounding areas.

Anyway, it has to be said that I'm a happy man although my life has completely changed again. I am alive, I have a house, and I just ate some fantastic chicken. Although my job is often thankless, I feel I am gaining a more recognition. I do have a lot of respect for my colleagues who plough through each day to make it all worth while in the form of a paycheque of laughs and beers one in every four saturday nights! Hello to you all, past and present. While we're on hellos, I would also like to offer my greetings to anyone who has flown through my life and I sadly see little of any more. You're all thought about, especially if you Facebook enough for me to banter your 'status updates'.
I graduated two months ago with a good degree on what was a fantastic afternoon both in terms of weather, surroundings, people and silly hats. Bring on the PhD so I can dress as a 'creme egg' and sit on the stage twice a year.

Got a bloody good bargain on toilet rolls today. Girls use too much of that stuff, can't they just shake as well? I'm thinking about the trees here, ladies...

Some other things going through my mind at the moment:

• Battenberg cake. Not really the purchasing or consumption of, I think I'm more fascinated by the general architecture of this magnificent dessert item.
• Why can't I carve an amazing pumpkin? Last time I tried, it had triangles for eyes, another for its nose, and a kind of postbox slot for a mouth. Sound like a poor effort? I lost a little bit of my thumb; so marks for trying, please!
• How is the iPhone so popular given the astronomical subscription fees?
• 'The Fourth Kind' is a shit film
• Excitement for 'Toy Story 3' (anyone remember 'falling with style'??)

Ok, well I think that's probably enough for now. If you have any questions relating to the above bullshit, please direct them to me via facebook or email, and I will address them in my next post. It can be like 'an audience with', won't that be exciting?? I might also try and spice up my next post with diagrams and the use of different type faces. Oooh.

Matt Schofield BA(Hons)

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Schofield does Leeds

Two updates in one week, I'm a bit keen, aren't I, folks? Well it's just because I am incredibly expressive (just ask anyone who saw me dancing to Hendrix's 'Foxy Lady' in Subculture last night...)

This evening I am sat alone in Rachel's room. I haven't done her in, or locked her in the bathroom. She is working so I'm just amusing myself by writing, and watching films. Tonight's feature was 'This is England', which i thoroughly enjoyed. It's haunting, believable, emotional and generally very well captured (at least I presume so, not least because the film is set five years before my birth). It's this type of story that I miss. Watching the trailers before a movie on Monday, everything scheduled for the summer seems very much focused on impressing-through-CGI/SFX. There isn't enough drama any more, just the far-fetched kind of explosive and unbelievable action that has been regurgitated so much in the form of comic-book adaptations (and the like) recently.

So, what have I spent Monday-Wednesday doing? Quite a lot, really! All in West Yorkshire. That stony, hilly, Gregg's-ridden place! Mostly Leeds.

Began the week with a lunch at Pizza Hut, and it must be said, their salad bar has improved. I have no further comments on this experience, we all know what they do. In the evening, we went to see 'Lesbian Vampire Killers'.................Shit. I have never seen such an audacious attempt at recreating Pegg and Frost's brilliance in Shaun of the Dead. It was a cheap, poorly acted, unamusing and generally awful waste of my time. I think Rach agrees. Glad we took the decision to smuggle Pepsi in and not give the cinema further satisfaction at having robbed us blind. Anyone considering going to see this film should consider staying at home and licking their carpets. It's far more entertaining.

Tuesday was a brilliant day! The BBC lied to us about 'sunny intervals' occuring in Ilkley. It was bloody warm! We took a trip to a pub (forget the name) and the biggest roast dinner I have eaten for years. Bloody good stuff. I will post the name of the pub when I remember it. Black Sheep Ale washed it down quite nicely too! We then took a wee hike to the top of Ilkley Moor. Ba' tat. And, contrary to the popular rhyme, we did NOT catch our death of cold, but instead sweated. Walking up a hill and down does not sound particularly entertaining, but Rach and I do a bloody good job of making it that way. Highlights?

• Revisiting the PLASTIC picnic bench that my soon-to-graduate girlfriend burnt with a disposable barbeque three years ago- leaving a nice little melt-mark ever since.
• Laughing at the elderly walkers who deem it necessary to wear hats, carry two hiking poles and wear massive boots for a half hour walk that we carried out in converse and jeans.
• Those idiots who think it's fun to sprint up and down the place until they have a heart attack. What you gonna do when your leg is hanging off and trapped under a rock, dick head? Just run where people will find you.

In the evening, we visit several bars in Leeds City- and I have a bloody good Manhattan from this place called 'Mojo'. Definitely worth a visit. Good music, good company! Thanks to whoever manages The Academy for this. Ha. Then, off to Subculture to dance the shit out of everyone. Especially those idiots who dress 'vintage'. Who died in that knit, my dear? Get back in your hole while I show you some moves, lol!

Ok that's enough for now, preach to you soon,

Matty.

x

A Return!

Welcome back readers, to a fresh edition of my blog- under a new guise.

My reasons for selecting this new mode of presentation are simple:

• The old title; Matt's Monday Meltdown, was too limiting. Limiting in the fact that I could only publish on Mondays, and I think far too much to only publish on Mondays.
• It was two years ago and I just don't like that title any more

In advancement to my studies, I have progressed quite happily to the end of my degree. Unfortunately, if there is one thing such a philosophically, sociologically and generally critic-thinking-grounded course has taught me, it's that I should discredit the grand narratives of life. By grand narratives I mean the stories that shape our beliefs, behaviours, actions, opinions, ways of thinking, ways of doing.

What I have began to consider lately is that for my entire life, I have been processed by some institution or other. I go in, some stuff happens, and I come out. I live my life incrementally, in terms of results- and I am sure we all do in this common western system. This is literal. We sit exams, wait for results, we have job interviews, wait for results, we urinate in a little tube, wait for results- we seem to see everything in terms of it's ends.

What am I getting at? You're asking. I don't want ends! I just want to be. I have a comfortable situation right now. I sit, look out, try to discover things about the world, trying every day to gain a better understanding of it, and in particular the things people do to it!

Alas, I must soon become another worker in the hive. Someone at the feet of hierarchies, at the whim of grand narratives. I won't be free until I am a man doing what he really, really wants to do, and by then, I'll have probably used my sting.

On the lighter side...

I am very much looking forward to spending the week with my girlfriend- she has been, to adapt the words of the wonderful Dolly Parton, my rainbow out of the rain. It will also be good to get back into Yorkshire, where the tap water isn't directly sourced from local swimming pools. I swear my bath water had a verruca sock in the other day...

Also, very excited to see old friends from Doncaster a week on Monday for a meal at my favourite restaurant. You donny-ers will know Central Park and its delights- everyone else, I recommend it. You can even take your Gran because the food isn't all spicy. What is it about spicy food that offends the over-50s? They all love it once they've tried it. Might even help to preserve their teeth a bit.

My friend is IMing me over MSN, so I will get back to him before he gets so bored that he has to watch UFO documentaries.

TTFN! x

Coming next time: Haunted Lincoln. Spooky.